we can change, we must change

I am happy that the California Supreme Court has ruled that a ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional according to the state constitution of California. This is even more impressive because most of the judges on the court are conservative or conservative-leaning. Admittedly, it was a 4-3 decision, but the ruling can only be overturned by the US Supreme Court, which does have an alarming amount of Bush-appointed crazies.

However, there is going to be a referendum to amend the California Constitution to make it constitutional to basically make it legal to discriminate based on sexual orientation (and one assumes gender identity as well).

What too many don't seem to realise (or care) is that just because something is legal or even constitutional, doesn't mean that thing is right or moral. It scares me that people want to change a constitution to be more supportive of bigotry and hatred. I thought that the fiasco with institutionalised racial inequality in the US constitution would have taught people to be more careful.

I don't care what religion you are or what side of the political spectrum you lean towards, anything that limits the freedoms of individuals who have committed no crimes, who haven't infringed on anyone else's rights, is so wrong as to defy quantifying the depth and degree of that wrongness. It is so incredibly dangerous to permit the limiting of any group's freedoms, because once the precedent is made, it becomes far too easy do it again and again. This is the real "slippery slope". If it becomes acceptable to deny rights to GLBT people, simply because some don't like what they do in their bedrooms, where does it stop? Will Muslims start being targeted simply based on the same type of fear-mongering that is used to attack gays?

It sickens me that so many Americans are gullible, blind, and stupid enough to buy into the lies about "the gay agenda" or "defending the family". I am ashamed of those who would limit the freedoms of those they don't understand or don't agree with.

This kind of behaviour is both anti-American and sadly American at the same time. It goes against what the US is supposed to stand for: Equal rights and treatment for all, a country where diversity is celebrated and encouraged. Lately the opposite is true. Diversity is feared and hated. Those who are different, be they gay, black, Muslim, or Spanish speaking, are reviled and looked down upon, stereotyped and rejected. The political climate over the past 8 years has done much to exacerbate this problem. The way Americans have been taught to fear and hate anything to do with Islam sickens me.

I recently met a woman who is from Egypt. She has a university degree and legal resident of the US. Despite this, she is unable to find any job besides that of a cashier at a supermarket. Because of her national origin, she is discriminated against. She is assumed to be Muslim (even though she's Christian - Coptic Orthodox), and is therefore treated with contempt. She is a teacher, and if anything, this country needs more teachers, especially ones who are passionate and skilled.

I do have hope that things will change, if slowly. There are many people who are doing their best to change and get rid of the racism, homophobia, and sense of superiority and condescension that so plague this nation. That so many in this country are supporting an African-American presidential candidate, and are excited about doing something to change the state of affairs is heartening. I myself wish I could vote and be more involved in both local and national politics, but am unable to do so - and that frustrates me. I am just as much affected and contribute as much as any American to this country, but because I'm not a citizen, I don't have any say whatsoever. I am trying to get citizenship, but it is an expensive and lengthy process, and I don't know how much longer I will be living in this country. My parents and siblings all live here though, and my father and two of my siblings are already citizens, so it would be useful for many reasons. I must admit though, that as much as I like this country, and enjoy living here, there's no place like home.

too little too late

When I resigned from the LDS church, I went to the bishop of the ward I lived in and personally handed him my letter. I blogged about this marvellous experience last month.

When I never heard anything back confirming my resignation, I sent in a letter to Member Records a week and a half ago or so. Just today I received a letter from them acknowledging receipt of my letter, telling me this is a local ecclesiastical matter, and they had referred this matter to Stake President and Bishop.

I'm not sure if this is going to make sure that they actually do something about it now, or if that stupid bishop will just sit on it. I'm betting he didn't tell the Stake President, so now that he knows, and I know that he knows, and the church knows that I know that he knows, something will happen.

I know I am right now not a member (legally), but that the church still considers me one until they go through their little (rather silly, and possible illegal) procedure and waiting period.

Along with the letter I got a lovely little pamphlet. The last line of the letter says,

In view of the eternal consequences of such an action, the Brethren urge you to reconsider your request and to prayerfully consider the enclosed statement of the First Presidency.

This wonderful little pamphlet is titled "An Invitation" and inside the front cover is a picture of the new first presidency and some text "urging" me to return to fold.

I find it interesting that the letter from member records has some thinly veiled condemnation and threat of eternal damnation (consequences) if I don't reconsider. The pamphlet, however, steers away from that. It's even somewhat apologetic and conciliatory. It says,

Our interest and concern are always with the individual man or woman, boy or girl. Our great responsibility is to see that each is "remembered and nourished by the good word of God" (Moroni 6:4). If any have been offended, we are sorry. Our only desire is to cultivate a spirit of mercy and kindness, of understanding and healing. We seek to follow the example of our Lord, who "went about doing good" (Acts 10:38).

Of course, this is a case of too little, too late. It's not that I don't believe that Monson, Uchtdorf and/or Eyring mean it, but that they are really not in control of the actions of local members and leaders who are the main causes of the problem. I've already discussed my myriad problems with the way the church functions, its leadership and its inherent flaws at length in previous posts.

The irony is that they invite me to "return and partake of the happiness you once knew". If I had known happiness, do you think I would have left? This is really being geared to the lazy inactive, not to he who has moral qualms and active disputes with the leadership and its doctrines. The very reason I left is because I wasn't happy; I was miserable.

I also find the scriptures they chose to quote an interesting choice. Does one need to attend church to be "nourished by the good word"? I thought the real reason for church attendance was simply to take the sacrament.

I know that they meant "doing good" in a very general sense. Yet, my definition of "doing good" does greatly differ in many instances from theirs. I see standing up for myself and what I believe right as "doing good", and I see the church's treatment of gays as the exact opposite. Basically their two main reasons they want me to come back are things I don't need or don't want the church for.

Also, they've not any idea what it is they're rather lamely trying to apologise for. I have been offended, but that's really not a big deal, rather it's the emotionally and psychologically abusive situation and relationship that the church creates with its gay members that bothers me. As they are unwilling (at this time) to do anything about this, this pamphlet is rather a sad waste of part of a tree.

Poor tree.

This pamphlet was just published last month. I wonder how many they've sent out already to those wanting out. I wonder how many, as a result of reading that pamphlet, choose to reconsider. I'd bet it's not a very high number.

are we related?

I've been thinking recently about our need to categorise everything. This is something that is especially true of me.

This is difficult though when it comes to deciding what is "right" and what is "wrong". I've come to believe that pretty much everything is relative, even good and evil, at least when it comes to the human experience. There may well be some greater power/wisdom that is able to put absolute limits on things, but I really don't think any human has the knowledge or wisdom to do that.

There are those who think that God has told some certain people about those absolutes, who then inform the rest of us. My problem with that is that even if those people (men) have spoken with God, the fact that they are still themselves human means that it is implausible that they "got the message" 100% just as God intended it. I believe that if there are absolutes, they are beyond the ability of man to comprehend, and so in effect, don't exist here on earth. Of course to say that I absolutely believe in relativism would be silly. I relatively believe in relativism.

So what do you think? Is there absolute right and wrong? Do absolute categories exist in reality at all, or are they simply the invention of humans so as to better able to deal with our often confusing existence? And if there is absolute right and wrong, does it exist here on earth? Is there a religion/creed/faith that somehow has access to special knowledge and is able to rightly disseminate it to others without it changing?

I'd like to know what others think about this. Do you believe in relativism, absolutism, or something else entirely?

tales of interest: sexy naïveté

When I was in the M(issionary) T(raining) C(entre) I was called as the D(istrict) L(eader), which meant I was "in charge" of pretty much nothing. I honestly cannot remember any of my duties besides giving out assignments for prayers at lame stuff like that. However, I do remember feeling very important, and at the same time worried I would drastically screw something up. I also felt very responsible for the other missionaries in my district.

There were 7 Elders going to Frankfurt, 2 to Berlin, and one sister who was also going to Frankfurt. My companion's twin brother was one of those going to Berlin. I once had to lecture one of the missionaries because he was being mean to his companion. He wouldn't sit next to his companion during meals, didn't play well with others, and generally was a terrible person. Actually, I quite liked him, and respected him a lot more than most of the other missionaries there. He was 24 (I think) in the MTC, and had lived a little before his mission (i.e. sinned). He regaled us with tales of travelling through Europe with his simarily rebellions brother, and partaking of all the fine alcoholic beverages it has to offer. Of course, he repented of his evil ways and decided to go on a mission. There were also vague references to some experimental drug usage. Anyway, here is an excerpt from my journal when I talked about him. We shall name him Elder Thompson. He and his trainer didn't get along at all - mostly because his trainer was/is a creepy ass weirdo. This entry was dated 22. June 2003.

Elder Brown is leaving (going to the Büro [office]), much to the relief of Elder Thompson. He has changed a lot since the beginning of the MTC. He has really humbled himself - he always knew he needed to change a few things, and he has. Elder Brown is a great guy [this is a lie]; he just doesn't work - according to Elder Thompson and Elder Gerstemann [my companion], and that is something that would annoy Elder Thompson.

What a self-righteous prig I was - with regards to Thompson. I was actually far too nice to Brown. I also love how much I lied in my missionary journal.

This second one is from 28. June 2003.

I think that one of the most frustrating things is to have investigators - especially ones that are seriously interested - not show up for appointments or follow through with commitments. [Sure sound interested to me]. We had an appointment with Evelyn this week, and I was really looking forward to talking with her, and hopefully getting a baptismal commitment; however, she wasn't there. And today, the other Elders had expected an investigator to come [to church, I assume], well the actually got a member to go pick him up, but he wasn't there (or was sleeping). I could tell that Elder Phillips was pretty disappointed, and so was I. It was the father of the Demirovitch family who we found together doing doors.

There are few things I want to mention about this entry. First off, while we were waiting outside of Evelyn's apartment, waiting for her to show, a bird crapped on my pants. I thought it was quite funny, and/or a curse from God.

Secondly, it's really fascinating to me how incredibly naïve I was, especially at the beginning of my mission. In my first area I think all our investigators were African refugees except two. We actually had a lot of investigators for a European mission, but it was because of all the refugee camps around Wesel. Rereading my journal has made me really wonder why I didn't see that the people we were teaching didn't at all understand what we wanted from them, and I at least was totally oblivious to that fact. They would tell us they wanted to come to our church, and even join it, and I would freak out. They would maybe come once, and then we'd never hear from them again, or they'd be 2 hours late for an appointment, would loose their Book of Mormon, etc. I totally didn't understand that the way they approached religion/church in their culture was totally different, and we were treating them like white westerners.

Thirdly, (and this part might be a little offensive, though those who would be offended have long since stopped reading by blog, so never-mind), I distinctly remember feeling guilty every time an investigator ditched us, missed church, or what have you. I consciously correlated my indulging in the grevious of masturbation with God punishing us/me by making our investigators disappear on us. I really felt that I was (literally) screwing these people out of their salvation. I was (somehow) able to refrain from jacking off for the whole 9 weeks in the MTC, but once in Germany, the pressure of every day, and the fact that it had almost been 3 freaking months with out any sexual release was driving me (to my) nuts - haha. Looking back on it, I feel really silly for being so caught up in such a ridiculous worry, but it really haunted me. In fact, my whole mission (and about a year thereafter) I was terribly depressed, and a major reason for that was the constant guilt I felt over being unable to not masturbate. I even confessed it to my Mission President about a year out, and was very surprised as to how little he seemed to care, especially considering how worked up I was about it. I should have realised then that it wasn't a big deal, even to the President, but I wasn't able to let go of my guilt. I had been masturbating since I was about 12 (along with 99.99% of every other male in the world), and even had to delay going on my mission for about 4 months until I was "clean". The whole thing makes me mad now - that I was taught to be so ashamed and guilty over something so natural and common place, and that I allowed myself to buy into the bullshit I was fed.

Also, I was quite attracted to Elder Phillips. He was just 6 weeks "older" than I was, and was fun to talk with. I was intimidated by his companion Elder Smith because he was so old - just about ready to go home, and as I've mentioned, my own companion was kind of a jerk. We would go on splits rather often, and I loved doing doors with him. He also hated streets, so we would just meander the streets, occasionally buzzing someone who wasn't home, or who was a cranky russian Oma [grandmother] and didn't understand us anyways. Because I felt I had to repress everything to do with my sexuality all the time, when those feelings did come out, they would erupt rather violently. He was one of the few people at that time that I felt comfortable with, so I developed a rather strong crush on him. Basically I wanted to do all sorts of things with (to) him the whole three months we were there together It was such sweet torture :).

In every city I was in, there was at least one of the Elders I developed a really strong crush on, and tried to be best friends with. A few times that was my companion, but usually it was one of the other elders in the district, or at the very least one in one of the neighbouring cities in our zone. While some of the most "righteous" were at least as prudish as I was, most of the other Elders would talk about sex, women, their current and ex-girlfriends quite often (as long as no sisters were around). For some reason, I never realised that I could at least have been open (with myself) about the same things. I thought I had to be an entirely non-sexual person to be a good person. What a ridiculous thing for someone my age (and gender) to try to do. Of course at the time I was still pretty closeted to myself, and so I convinced myself that crushes I had on other elders were just some sort of "friendly connection" that had nothing to do with sex. In reality, I was 19, horny all the freaking time, and living with guys 24/7 - literally. For 2 years and 1 month (my mission went a little long) I was pretty much never more than 2 metres away from another (often attractive) guy. It's a wonder I survived the whole time and stayed as relatively sane as I did.

And while I write this, I listen to Carly Simon. Right now, "You're so Vain" is playing.

Go Carly.

Also, my computer has for some reason decided that "realyl" is a word, so every time I mistype "really" (which is often), it doesn't give me a red dotted line telling me it's wrong, and I therefore often miss such typos. This is pissing me off. Does anyone know how to edit the dictionary on Firefox? Or is this a Windows thing?

cleanliness really is nigh unto godliness

There's something incredibly beautiful and wholesome about a clean room. Whenever I'm feeling a little depressed or on-edge, a sure-fire way to make myself feel better is to clean something rather intensely (usually a whole room). Afterwards, I just sit, stand, or even on occasion lie in the room and soak up all the new positive energy surging around.

I don't know what it is, exactly, that makes me feel like that, but a clean, orderly, meticulously kept, and nicely decorated room really makes me happy. In fact, depending on the room, it can become almost sexual in the kind of pleasure it brings me.

If a room is untidy, messy, and/or in any way dirty, I just cannot relax. The physical state of my surroundings significantly impacts my mental state. Right now, I need to go clean up a little mess in the kitchen before I go to bed, but besides that, the rest of the apartment is rather clean and orderly.

From past experiences living with roommates and companions on my mission, I learnt that most people (men) aren't like this. I don't know whether it is connected with being gay, or whether my obsessiveness about hygeine and cleanliness is a totally unrelated attribute. I never really thought about it as an obsession until I moved out of my parent's house. My mum is at least as much of a neat freak as I am, (other siblings, not so much), so I wasn't used to people not cleaning or taking care of their house until I left. It was a very rude awakening to see how some other people live.

One of the main reasons I was so keen on living alone was because I wouldn't have to nag any roommates to not leave dishes everywhere (including the washroom and bedrooms - ick), to clean more than once every three months, to not leave dirty socks on the kitchen table,... you get the idea. My current roommate is thankfully quite tidy and doesn't leave anything of his lying around.

Lest you think I am totally insane, I have, however, been known to not clean the whole kitchen from top to bottom for an entire day. This usually only happens once every two weeks though - usually I clean the kitchen sparkling at least once a day. It makes me happy and allows me to rest.

I finally got around to emptying all of the boxes of books in my bedroom yesterday. It took me so long to do that (3 weeks) because I still have no place to put my clothes besides on the floor. That bit of untidiness (7 perfectly folded piles of clean laundry on the floor, and a small grouping of socks) stresses me out, and so I didn't unpack the books until now because I knew the room would still be (by my standards) messy. Now that the boxes are gone, it is improved, but the laundry on the floor is still unnerving.

Hopefully in a couple weeks I will have made enough money at my new job (which I begin on Tuesday) to buy a dresser, and perhaps also a bedside table and lamp.

The starkness of the white totally white walls is still bothering me though. I hate all white walls. I sorely want to paint, but I'm not sure if I even am allowed to, and there's the cost/time/effort of covering the carpet, and painting. I'm debating if the white walls bother me enough to paint them.

We'll see...

tales of interest pt. 1

Inspired by a blog I've been frequenting for a couple of month's now called VivaNedFlanders, I'm going to start a new segment called "tales of interest". It's going to be (relatively) interesting stories from my missionary journal (which I just found). Unfortunately, I wasn't very honest in my journal, so most of it is full of disgustingly upbeat, very short entries. I remember several times wanting to write what I was actually feeling, but felt I needed to keep it clean and full of the spirit for posterity. What a load. In the future, I may end up sharing something from my journal, and then tell what I was actually thinking/feeling. However, I did find one for today.

This is from my very first area, Wesel. It is a small city on the Rhein of about 60,000 in central-northwest Germany very close to the Dutch border and about 50 km north west of Duisburg. My companion was a native German who lived about an hour away in the Hamburg mission (we were in the Frankfurt mission). Because he was so close to home, he was really homesick. The other two Elders lived about 1/2 km from our apartment in the pedestrian zone over a fur shop. Elder Smith was from England and his companion was from somewhere in Utah - I think. I got along best with him. There was a lot of conflict between me and my trainer - mostly because he was kind of an ass-hole. For basically the first three months in the mission we would do street contacting for hours and hours every day. I hated streets. So much. I still didn't speak German all that well, despite having had it in school for the previous 7 years. My companion wanted to learn better English, so we never spoke German, so having a German companion actually was no help at all. Anyway, here's an entry from 22. June 2003:

Oh, and my entries are full of German words, awkward English phrasings and other stuff because of constantly speaking a mishmash of the two languages.

The day before yesterday we had a really crazy experience. All of us were driving together, and we saw this old Frau [woman] riding her bicycle in the middle of the Straße [street] - then she went to turn left and stopped in the middle of the intersection. As we passed her, my comp told her (politely) that it was safer to ride on the bike path - for that's what it's there for. She then proceeded to tell us to, and I quote "Leck mich am Arsch!" [Lick my ass!] It was quite hilarious.

I'm not actually sure whether my companion was in the right though. He had a tendency to drive like an absolute maniac, and excused it because he was German, and therefore was an awesome driver and could drive like a maniac, safely. In reality, he was just an immature 20 year-old show-off, careening around corners , screeching our tires in our tiny, pathetic 2-d00r Opel Corsa. If you're not familiar with that car, picture a Geo Metro, but smaller, with a 1 litre, 3 cylinder engine. Pathetic, I know.

The apartment in which we lived in that area had been opened just 2 months before and was actually one of the nicer apartments I lived in - which isn't saying much. When my companion moved in they didn't have a sink, stove or shower. They lived with it for a few months like that before the mission even got them anything to cook with or bathe with. They would have to go to the other Elder's apt to shower every morning. Oh, and they washed their dishes in the bathroom sink. shudder.

diese musik ist voll geil

For all of you that like euro-punk/pop, you need to check out Wir sind Helden. It's a German band that just plain rocks. My favourite album is their first, "die Reklamation" with my favourite song being "Guten Tag".

Here's a music video of that song. This one won't embed, unfortunately. The song's about the problems of consumerism and how we sell out for stuff we don't need and end up regretting it. The video is ironically about their first album contract and how they sold out. I love how the words they're singing totally are contradicting what's going on in the video.

Some other great songs are:

"Gekommen um zu bleiben" (Come to stay. A better translation might be "We've come to stay". The word "we" isn't there in the German title, but it is implied by the conjugation of the verb. It could actually also be "you" or "they", but "we" makes the most sense.)



"Zuhälter" (Pimp)



"Von hier an blind" (Blind from here on out)



and here's the English version of that song. She's singing it, but it's kind of hard to understand because it's rather heavily accented.




"Wenn es passiert" (When/if it happens)



and finally:

"Die Zeit heilt alle Wunde" (Time heals all wounds)



Oh, and here's an English cover of the Moneybrother song, "Blow Him Back Into My Arms" Ironically, it's originally by a Swedish guy!



Ok, that's enough for now.

As you can tell, I love this band, and you'd better too!

Or else . . .

like hope, but not

And he says that Obama is the one out of touch.

a mission of a different sort

I just added a link to my friend's blog who is a peace corps volunteer in Morocco. If you want to learn a little about what it's like to move to a very foreign country not knowing any of the 4+ languages they speak there, then I highly recommend you visit her blog and read a bit. It was one thing to go on a mission to Germany for 2 years, but it is quite another to live in Morocco for 27 months. I'm really proud of my friend for doing this.

the nobility of responsible moral individualism

Before you read all this I want to say that I'm the kind of person who needs to either write or verbally express his ideas to really decide what it is I think and believe. Whether I'm having an oral or written conversation, usually I'm exploring what it is I believe and think as I'm saying/writing it. I do think about it before, but it's easiest for me to really examine it as I'm expressing it. This is one of those posts. As I write, I think more intensely about this subject than I would be able to otherwise. (I'm writing this prologue after finishing the post.) If it seems rambly and a little disjointed is because I'm more or less just free-writing as the thoughts come to me. This really helps me to better examine what it is I believe and think better than any other method. Much of what I have written is stuff I've really thought about in detail for the first time right here and now. Thanks for reading.

It may also be helpful to read about the term "individualism" as used in philosophy.


Yesterday a really good friend of mine came up to Salt Lake to visit me. He just graduated from BYU and has moved in with his parents. He really wants to move out, and is thinking of moving to Salt Lake (I am encouraging this).

I lived with his cousin my 1st year at BYU and then we both were in the same mission together. We served in the same district and became close friends. A year and a half ago we ended up living in the same appartment building in Provo and were in the same ward. Anyway, we know each other quite well, and are good friends. He was one of the first people I told about being gay, and he has been really supportive about it - in his own quirky way.

About a month ago I phoned him up to tell him that I was leaving the church, and he told me that he was considering the same thing. Though he had never talked to me about it before, I wasn't terribly surprised to find out that he had major doubts about the veracity of the church. His parents recently found out, and now his whole immediate family knows that he doesn't believe in the church. Because he's living with his parents and younger brother, this has become a rather uncomfortable situation for him. His mother especially is convinced that she has to "fix" him somehow.

Anyway, the point of writing about this is because even though our situations are different, I understand what he's going through. He may be straight, and it may have been something else that caused him to really question everything, but the end result is more or less the same. It's sad that his family is just as unable to accept him for who he is apart from the church as mine is me. Their perception of him (and themselves) is so permeated with Mormonism, that they cannot seem to separate who he is from the life he was living (pretending) as a Mormon.

My parents have told me the same thing as his family has said to him: that they don't know who he is anymore, and that they are surprised by this "sudden change". What none of them seem to be able to understand is that we haven't really changed. We've been questioning and doubting for years, if not our whole lives. We're just now acting more in accordance with who we really are, and that is something that was hidden from most people. The outward change may have been rather drastic when viewed from the outside, but for us, the total change is minimal. Our outward actions and speech now just mirrors what was always going on inside.

This is something I think my parents don't even believe. They really think that I used to be this perfectly believing good little Mormon boy who was suddenly led away from the church by Satan (or whomever). What they didn't see, and don't seem now to believe, is that I never, ever was that person. Yes, I went on a mission, and even baptised a guy, but the whole time I was wondering what the hell I was doing. Going on a mission does in no way mean that I always have or always will believe in the church's teachings. My friend is just another example of this.

I wonder how many other missionaries I knew were in a similar situation. Right now, I only know of us two, but I know there were many others.

It's a hard thing to extricate yourself from Mormonism, especially when you've been raised your whole life in the culture and the religion. I know there are many beliefs I still have with are heavily influenced not only by my upbringing, but the religion I was raised in. I have been able to identify some of them, but I know I am oblivious to many of the others.

What I'm trying to express is that we all have beliefs we that we don't really realise are culturally conditioned - beliefs we accept as fact without ever having really analysed them. Now that I'm no longer Mormon, I feel the need to re-examine absolutely every thing I ever have believed. It may be that many of those beliefs are true, (or true for me), but they still need to be analysed and re-analysed until I am (relatively) certain they are right. The process of leaving the church has really made this apparent to me - and my interactions with my parents have especially brought this to light. I see in them so many beliefs that they've never examined, some of which are harmful to them because they don't allow them to understand or accept me. I've rejected most of those beliefs, but I know there are others lurking within me which are just as false. It bothers me that I know they are there, but am unable to really identify them until something happens to make me realise they're even there.

I'm not sure this is even making sense. It's hard for me to express what I'm thinking because of how complex it is.

Anyway, the point is that speaking with my friend has made me realise even more, that even though I criticise my parents for their unquestioning belief, I do the same thing, just for different things. I think this is pretty much universal to all people, to one degree or another. I doubt that anyone is ever totally able to divorce him or herself from their deep-rooted assumptions. We all have a culture that colours the way we interpret our world and our experiences. We each also have an individual, totally unique culture that only we understand. This isn't necessarily bad, but I think we also all need to be more aware of this. An assumption isn't necessarily bad, but it can be. Regardless, each and every assumption (in so far as that is possible) we make needs to be identified and evaluated. This is, I believe, part of what this life is for. We need to vet our beliefs and discard those which don't bring about happiness in ourselves and others.

While talking with my friend, we discussed the concept of "morality". It is commonly believed in Mormonism (and many religions) that there isn't a moral code outside of that religion. Both my and my friend's parents have expressed the concern that we are no longer moral people. We both know this to be untrue. We talked about how true morality is really independent from any religion. I think he was talking about Nietzsche (though I could be wrong). Anyway, he said that he think that the real measure of morality is whether your actions increase or decrease the total amount of suffering in the world. I really liked that concept.

I've always had a problem with the capricious nature of the Mormon concept of morality. Drinking alcohol is "immoral", two gay men who love each other and have a loving, committed monogamous relationship is "immoral". Why? Because God said so.

That never made sense to me. I don't think God ever just "says so". I have for a long time believed in a version of what my friend expressed. My version of morality is this: love is good. If I'm doing something out of love, and it doesn't cause more pain than love, then it is good. If the opposite is true then it is evil. It's simplistic, but that's basically what I believe. This is why I reject the notion that homosexuality is evil based on any notion of heterosexuality being more normative, or being more eternal. I know that when I'm in a relationship it will be because of love, and because of that one thing, I know it is good. Things like drinking alcohol are morally neutral (as most things are). Drinking alcohol neither causes or detracts from suffering. What I do may or may not. I could drink too much and then do something that would be evil, but that doesn't mean drinking is evil. I think we have to be careful about that. I think we need to take more responsibility for our actions and our beliefs.

In fact, I think it is, in a way, better to take God and religion out of the picture for a moment. Is it better to do good out of hope or reward or fear of punishment, or because you truly want to do what is right, regardless of any consequence to yourself? In Mormonism, we are taught (culturally) to do what is right because we'll go to the celestial kingdom if we do/will be damned and go to a lesser kingdom if we don't. That may be a reason, even a good reason to do good, but I don't believe it is the best, most noble reason.

I do what I do and believe what I believe not because it will get me presents in the afterlife, but because I want to be a person that decreases the amount of suffering and increases the amount of love in this world. I don't want to do this because of a reward, but because I want to help others.

I don't always live up to my own expectation in this, but I truly feel that this is a better way to live. Yes, I drink alcohol, kiss boys (or have in the past - there's unfortunately not much kissing going on in my life right now), and don't go to church. Does that make me immoral? Evil? In many people's minds it does - because their version of morality is doing something or not doing something just because they're told that that will bring them a reward. That is morality to them. I reject that as a lesser form of morality, and I believe that God does as well.

You know, it really is scary at times to not have a church, apostle or God to tell you what to do and what choices to make. But I also think that thinking and acting for yourself (within reason), and really taking responsibility for what you believe and do is a better way to go. I think that far, far to much evil is perpetrated because people are afraid to make their own decisions - they'd rather someone do the thinking for them, and be wrong, than take the risk of making the wrong decision and being totally responsible themselves for it.

I think the amount and degree of wrong and evil that can come out of everyone making their own decisions and deciding for themselves what is and is not moral, is far less than what can happen when we don't. I guess the question is, is the risk worth it? You may find one really good person whose influence can bring about a lot of good, but the chances are just the same that a person you follow blindly will be bringing about evil. Choosing and evaluating for yourself may take more work, but in the end, if something is good, then you'll end up doing it anyways, but if it was evil, then you've avoided contributing to something horrible. In this way, I believe that it is always better to decide for yourself, regardless of the situation. You may miss out on some few good things that you mistakenly decide against, but that's far, far better than the alternative. In fact, every really evil thing that has ever happened, came about because people were afraid or unwilling to think for themselves. And, most of the really good things like end of slavery, equal rights for blacks, women, gays - in some countries - , and in general all great strides in human social justices have come about when people really evaluated and thought for themselves and did what they believed was right, regardless of any consequences to themselves. They weren't following blindly, but rather they were each leading their own lives.

This is why I have such a huge problem with authority being the reason to do or believe anything. There has to be something else there to convince me that something is worthwhile besides the claim of authority. I think that believing something based solely on a claim of authority is likely to cause all sorts of evil in both the short and long runs. This is also why I have such a problem with hierarchical and authority-based religions like Mormonism. The opportunity for bad is just too great in such systems.

Now, I am not saying that anyone in a religion is selfishly just looking for a reward. I think this kind of morality is simply totally independent of religion. You can be atheist and moral, Mormon and moral, Moslem and moral, Buddhist and moral, etc. What matters is the reason you're doing something, why you're doing the "right" thing - not just that you're doing it.

This pretty much explains my philosophy on life. I've really thought about this and developed this as a framework for my life. I know there is a lot I believe and do that is based on things that I cannot explain, and may not even be aware of, but I try to make this supersede them all. When I make decisions, I really try to apply this rather simple test to them. Will this increase or decrease suffering, increase or decrease love? That's it. Now, often there is no simple answer, and it requires more intense and in-depth evaluation, but in the end it's still about that simple question.

Based on that, I have rejected much of what I used to accept as truth, because it conflicted with what I actually saw the evidence showing me. I reject that Mormon teachings on homosexuality because I have personally experienced that it brings about suffering, not love - and not just for me, but for the vast majority of those I know who are/have been Mormon and gay. For some there may be some good, but in almost every case, I believe the bad outweighs the good. For this reason, I believe those teachings to be false. False, because I believe Truth brings about happiness, love and removes suffering. This is a big assumption, I know, but it's a fundamental part of how I view our existence.

I realise that a big reason for why I have such a difference of opinion with my parents (for example) is because we have fundamental different views on what morality is, and that's not likely to change for any of us any time soon. It may be that we all will have to learn to accept the others' differences. I really do want them to accept me as I am and not wish for me to change, but that may be unrealistic. The thing is, I'm right, and they're wrong, and that's why they should change and I needn't. Of course they think the same thing, so it's back to square one.

This post is getting really long. That tends to happen as soon as I start to philosophise and moralise. Anyway, you probably get the picture.